2am And The Rain Is Falling
Yupz currently is near to 2am... heavy downpour outside... currently sitting in the Sports Club Exco room typing this blog at 1.45am exactly.... while yau png and Boon Hui was bathing... i was left alone in the room... i pondered a lot of stuff.... dats the danger if u leave me alone... i will start to ponder things that are very negative.... guess i am in a transition area where i refused to move out from the old season... searching for job is not easy at this current downturn where there is a lag in the labor market even if the economy shows signs of recovery....
Sitting in the room... I've been thinking about my past 3 years in university... is been ups and downs in my life... i personally went thru the toughest period of my life emotionally ever since i left poly... now i have graduated... feel a bit lost... maybe when i found a job i might feel better being occupied.... currently i put myself in a situation not to expect much things in order to protect myself not to fall down hard from expectations not met... if i am very pessimistic ... pls pardon me cos i just wanna protect myself emotionally... after been thru so much... now i also adopt a hint me i only move mindset.... maybe thru all these i might make myself more comfortable emotionally.... now wad i really wanna do is to get a job and move on.... hoping one gd Samaritan will pick me up one day....
I guess wad i need is wad many ppl need deep down honest in their hearts... acceptance, appreciation and love.... i tried to find in a church but apparently i did not really find it... to be honest i have not been to church for almost 2 months... is a mixed feeling... i feel happy yet i feel sad... happy i cut myself away from bad experiences and stay away from people that potential can trigger something but the sad part is dat i feel so far from God Himself.... i have dilemma to go to church and not to go... but many of the time i chose not to go cos i feel kinda weird in church if i were to go....
Indeed i feel very "naked" when i am alone... sometimes i think i really need professional help... i am going insane.... i really hate the feeling i felt inside me.... especially at night and times i am alone... this is very scary... till i feel come bring me Home oh God.... i dunno when i can come out of this... many ppl told me to love myself and esteem myself higher than others see in me... but i find it pretty hard.... I hate being alone... cos i think thoughts that i make my heart sink... thoughts that poison my heart... thinking abt the FML situations i had and more.... my spins very fast.... so yeah.... it is murdering my soul....
I guess this is not the 1st time i express my inner thoughts.... some ppl critize me some ppl concern about me.... this is my blog i have the right to express how i feel.... guess this is the only revenue to vent my emotions and fustration out.... ppl can choose to read or not... rather i tell them and irritate them.... so if u think this is too emo for u... dun read then... and to those ppl who post ugly things on my tag board and dun dare to admit who you are... i also feel sad for u dat u have the guts to comment but no guts to admit who u are....
