Acceptance

This word has been in my head for quite while when i took cab home from school... Yeah indeed life is kind of hard for me emotionally and mentally... anyway watever i blog is not holding against anyone... is just my personal thought... is just a place to express my fustration and disillusioness within me... I felt kind of very lousy recently... is like back to the point i used to feel this way a few yrs ago... things dun seem to improve... things continue to be uncertain.... many things are beyond my control... wad i can do is to do my best and hope... the word "Acceptance" is the main word that bother my life now.... is the biggest handicap of my life... which makes me having a heavy and sunken heart...

I can recall during my grow up yrs when i used to stay in Toh Yi (Bukit Timah)... I used to have a fixed group of frens in the neighbourhood i knew and we play and hang out through of childhood yrs... i used to remember i got a fren called Cher Fong whom is younger than me 1 yrs old... the days we go out have fun everyday... do all sorts of things... play table tennis... block catching... arcade.... go to places togther... that kind of close frenship we had... and then during sec sch days we belong to the same sec sch... i got to know a fren called Andy Raymond they all... that was also one of my cherished times i had with my frens... although sometimes i got bully by my frens like they fly u aeroplane and Pang seh u... i still treasure them as my frens... thats one of the close frenships i forged during my growing up yrs....

Now i kind of missed the days i had close frens... frens i can depend on whom i can tell my darkest secrets... frens who gave me the assurance that im being accepted... after Secondary school... After that things seems to go bad... too cut the long story short... the i felt rejected many parts of my life... Rejections seems to huant me like a terror in life until now... After stepping into church my life started to change... i no longer being so depress (not as bad as before)... but still this problem still trap inside of me... i took many huge step of faith to make frens... many of u all thought im very sociable and have many frens... but thats just quantity... wad i really looking for is quality... i yearning for the assurance of acceptance...

Maybe thats why many ppl think im too nice... they got kind of paraniod of me... only those who knows me very well i meant no harm... sometimes i am so hungry for acceptance that i look for it in the wrong place... which give me more and more dissapointments... is very hurtful to be rejected when u are nice to them... many being unappreciative for the things u done for them.... im and sick and tired... my rantings does not hold anyone with anything... is i just feel fustrated why things turn out like this... depsite of trying my best to be a nice fren a nice person to trys to help as much as he can for his frens... i know some of my frens they are kind of busy i do not hold anything with them.. is just me... the spirit of rejection keep huanting me telling me lies in my head until i can't stand it... maybe becos of this i tend to think too much... reading too much or deep into ppl's repsonse which lead to uncessary worries... certain reactions might even trigger the sense of rejection... thats how bad it might go... many of the times i wanna overcome these... stop thinking too much and too negative... where things might not turn out as bad as it could be...

I hope i can pull myself together once again... finding the security in myself again... finding the assurance of acceptance... praying very hard everyday for things to be better.... continueing holding the hope that ppl in my life will being to accept me a a gd fren... building more closer and strong frenships... and ultimately find a special person in my life.... i know i cannot let this problem i have paralyse me... but i feel so weak now... im tired... im discouraged... but i still beleive the sun will still shine one day....